A blog by Cameron and Shannon

As you may have previously ascertained, I enjoy a number of things about Taco Bell, the least of which is the actual food.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t by any means suffer through the food. A good CrunchWrap Supreme or Cheesy Gordita Crunch can really hit the spot, and does just that about once a week on average (Dear Anthony Bourdain, I’m sorry. Love, Cameron). But it’s not just the food — it’s the whole package. The imaginary food names. The awful typeface. The weird purple/pink/teal early 90’s semi-New-Mexico faux-adobe construction. The tiny list of ingredients (and the necessarily bizarre combinations thereof). The hammy commercials. It’s all very … endearing.

Just consider the just-launched and ridiculously-named “New 79¢ 89¢ 99¢ Why Pay More Value Menu” (note: if phrases like “Get Your Grub On” and “Why Pay Mo’” cause you physical pain, do not click that link.). For no particularly apparent reason, Taco Bell has chosen to yet again redesign its Value Menu — and this time there are new offerings. And if you should know one thing about me, it’s that I love new Taco Bell menu items.

New Item 1. Cheese Roll-Up (79¢)

Now, part of the fun of new Taco Bell items is the mystery. There is never any decent description on the menu, so you have either ask the cashier for details, or make an educated guess. (Generally speaking, if it’s not a dessert item and doesn’t have the word “burrito”, I try it.)

The Cheese Roll-Up, however, sort of negates the need to do either. Because it’s cheese. Rolled up. In a tortilla. The end. Talk about phoning it in. This is like McDonald’s launching a Bun Sandwich.

Tortilla + Cheese = New Product! Brilliant! Bonuses for everyone!

In high school & college I used to make those things in the microwave for a snack. It’s not exactly the most exciting item ever, but hey, whaddya want for 79 cents. At least it’s the real cheese and not nacho “cheese.”

New Item 2. Triple Layer Nachos (79¢)

Shannon’s the Nachos orderer, not me, so she actually went to the trouble of asking what comprised said Triple Layer Nachos. We were told it was “cheese, beans, and red sauce.” Further inquiry revealed that this mysterious “red sauce” was the sauce from “Pintos ‘n’ Cheese,” a menu item that I have intentionally taken steps to avoid.

The Kia Spectra of Nachos

The Triple Layer Nachos clearly fill in that key market segment of people that are too cool for regular Nachos, but just aren’t ready to make the jump to $1.69 Nachos Supreme (much less the simply opulent Nachos Bellegrande®).

The verdict? 79 cents for nachos really ain’t too bad. The sauce is fine. It’s red sauce. Whatever.

New Item 3. Big Taste Taco (99¢)

This new value menu signals the exit of the filthy Grande Soft Taco (essentially a Double Decker with nacho “cheese” instead of refried beans). Good riddance. In its place is a new taco to fill the nonexistent void between Taco and Supreme Taco: the Big Taste Taco. (Maybe Taco Bell saves all their good imaginary Spanish names for the premium products.)

I just bit the bullet and ordered one without wading through a description from the cashier. Here it is:

Seriously guys, let’s just put whatever in it and go home

The Big Taste Taco, strangely enough, is apparently Soft by default. (Why not call it the Big Taste Soft Taco?) Upon further inspection, it is apparently intended to contrast the soft tortilla with the little crispy tortilla strips inside. That’s right, the ones from the spelling-impaired Grilled Stuft Burrito of yesteryear! I knew it was only a matter of time before those strips started showing up elsewhere — Taco Bell doesn’t have many one-trick ingredients.

It’s hard to tell from my iPhone picture, but there was also some sort of sauce on it — a creamy Mexican-tasting business that I don’t think I’ve experienced before (possibly also co-opted from the Grilled Stuft Burrito, which I have not tried).

So for ten cents more than the regular Soft Taco, you can get a Soft Taco with soggy tortilla strips and Mexican mystery sauce. Not a bad deal at all, for, you know, ten cents.