A blog by Cameron and Shannon

We’ve been watching a lot of David Lynch movies/TV shows lately, which means a lot of…

this guy:

this guy:

and a surprising amount of this guy:

I know what you’re thinking about the third guy. “Isn’t that Reverend Lowe from Silver Bullet and the scary “Dad” from The People Under the Stairs?” You are correct. Approximately 172 viewings* of those movies combined have left me scarred when it comes to that guy, and I’m still not accustomed to seeing him without an eye patch. Or in any role where he’s supposed to be a good guy. Gah! He’s just so creepy!

Anyway. We’re not here to talk about that guy.

We’re here to talk about guy #2. Agent Dale Cooper, aka Kyle MacLachlan, aka The Hotness.

Despite the fact that everything I’ve actually seen Kyle MacLachlan was filmed in 1991 or prior, I’ve developed a bit of a crush on him. I mean, have you seen him lately? And by lately I mean lately in Twin Peaks or Blue Velvet or Dune.

I know it’s completely unreasonable to have a crush on someone seventeen years ago, but it is fun.

However, there is the internet. Sometimes the internet ruins everything. Without the internet, I could sit back and say, “Whew, that Kyle MacLachlan sure was handsome back in the 80’s and 90’s, I wonder whatever happened to him?” And you know what? I would never have to know. I could go on, living my happy little life thinking Kyle MacLachlan was still the greatest, because I don’t watch Sex and the City or Desperate Housewives, so I wouldn’t even have seen any of his recent work. And things would be so great.

Sometimes it doesn’t even take the internet to ruin everything. Remember Jake Ryan?

I think Sixteen Candles was filmed when I was about a year old. However, Jake Ryan was pretty much the pinnacle of hotness to me and my friends when we were 14. Then, one day, E! decided to do a True Hollywood Story on Sixteen Candles and ruin our lives because Jake Ryan was now about forty-five and not so good looking any more. It was so bad I can’t even find a picture of it to post. And if you had the same childhood dream of somehow, someday, becoming Jake Ryan’s next girlfriend on your sixteenth birthday (never mind that whole 1984 thing - details), I would advise you not go looking for it. Because it will seriously break your heart.

And don’t even get me started on when I found out this guy was Buffy’s dad.

Anyway. In the case of Kyle MacLachlan, the internet ruined everything. Wikipedia in particular.

Who thought up that stupid thing anyway? We should not have the power of excessive knowledge about anything we can think up at our fingertips. And it’s so simple, so simple! You naively walk right in there, thinking, “Yes! Thank you internet! I have the WORLD at my fingertips! THE WORLD!” And then it crushes you.

So of course I had to look up Kyle MacLachlan on Wikipedia.

And I found this: ”He lives in Manhattan with his wife Desiree Gruber and their two small dogs (a Jack Russell Terrier and a Yorkie/Chihuahua mix). Blaming it on “probably too much affection”, the couple have created a website about their dogs. Mookie and Sam also have a “TV show.” Which is true.

And of course I had to watch the videos.

ZOMG.

If you choose not to watch the videos (oh yes, there are several), know this: there are dogs driving cars, making bad puns (“Pawesome!”), and wearing human clothes.

You may think this is cute. Sure, I say, it is cute… OK what am I saying, I can’t deal with stuff like that. Maybe from the old lady down the street. But I really wasn’t prepared to deal with this from the coolest FBI Agent ever.

Don’t get me wrong, I love animals. I’m even OK with some people making an obsessive website with hokey videos of their animals (so no offense if you, you know, do that…), just not Agent Dale Cooper.

C’mon, Dale Cooper!!! Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?!?!? You are an FBI AGENT. You are AWESOME. Also, in case you did not know, you are supposed to be dashing and handsome and cool and serious and smart. And so not that dog guy.

Even though it makes no sense whatsoever, I expect to have something in common with my Hollywood crushes. Is that too much to ask?

Me and Jake Ryan? We were both in high school. Me and Almanzo Wilder? We both liked Little House on the Prairie. See how this works, Dale Cooper?

I just don’t really see myself having anything in common with someone who is THAT into their dogs. I mean… come on. I’m just so shocked, that’s all I can say, COME ON!

It’s creepy. Like it wasn’t creepy enough while I’m thinking Dale Cooper is so handsome to remember he’s actually 25 years older than me (which, by the way, makes him older than MY OWN MOTHER), now I also have to think about how he’s really, really, into his dogs.

So thanks for that, Kyle MacLachlan! You ruined everything!

* That would be 170 for Silver Bullet, 2 for The People Under the Stairs.