A blog by Cameron and Shannon

I’ve decided just now to introduce a semi-formal new category of posts for the site (or at least a “wikipedia” tag). Every once in a while I’m going to write about the stuff I learn in Wikipedia. Why? Because Wikipedia is amazing. It settles obscure factual arguments in mere seconds. It entertains for hours. It’s my favorite. (On long road trips, Shannon and I will take turns reading each other Wikipedia articles from our iPhones. I heartily endorse this technique.)

So, this morning, the standard Wikipedia thing (xkcd never lies) happened: Shannon and I went from iChatting about adopted kids, to her telling me that you could rename a kid when you adopt (something I did not know and was slightly weirded out by). She then found this BoingBoing article about a Swedish couple that were fined for naming their kid Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116.

This intrigued me. What names are and aren’t legal for you to name your child? I hit up Wikipedia hoping for a list. No luck so far, because I didn’t make it any farther than the List Of Unusual Person Names, which is itself awesome enough to deserve a post all its own.

10. Rocket, Racer, Rogue, Rebel, and Rhiannon Rodriguez

Did you know that Robert Rodriguez has five children and that their names are all completely awesome? Now you do. Further research reveals that his kids’ full names are “Rocket Valentin, Racer Maximilliano, Rebel Antonio, Rogue and Rhiannon Elizabeth.”

Holy cow! The first 3 kids sound like revolutionaries, and Rhiannon Elizabeth sounds like a supermodel. I don’t know about you, but I would follow anybody named Racer Maximiliano Rodriguez to the death. Wikipedia doesn’t give Rogue’s middle name, but I’m sure it’s something equally awesome, like “Magnusson” or “Laserzenith” or “Plutonia”.

9. Legal Tender Coxey

Wikipedia tells us that this is “the infant son of Jacob Coxey, leader of Coxey’s Army.” Jacob Coxey was apparently a politician from the late 19th century, and Coxey’s Army was a band of unemployed men he led on protest to Washington. (Wikipedia tells us “the expression ‘Enough food to feed Coxey’s Army’ originates from this march.” Right-o.)

Why Wikipedia refers to Legal Tender as “the infant son” is beyond me, as I’m assuming he moved past the infant stage soon enough. (He may have died, but no indication is given.) As for a name explanation? Jacob was apparently a very vocal capitalist, so maybe babies were the 19th-century equivalent of political bumper stickers. Or as Wikipedia so astutely puts it, “Jacob S. Coxey was ironic so he named his child Legal Tender Coxey.”

Yep, that’s pretty … ironic? Not sure about that. Jacob also apparently ran for various offices and lost a total of (counting …) FOURTEEN times. His only successful office was as Mayor for 2 years. His march also failed. What an inspiring guy. I’m sure little Legal was proud.

8. Jack Ass

This is the most depressing story on the list, for sure. Apparently this guy was born Robert Craft, changed his name to Jack Ass, tried to sue the TV show Jackass for plagiarism(?!), failed, and committed suicide in 2003.

So this guy apparently thought a good get-rich-quick scheme was to name himself after a TV show and then sue their pants off. This brief fact-lump leaves many unanswered questions. Was Robert Craft insane? (I’m going with “heck yes.”) Why did he sue for plagiarism, of all things? If you’re going to file an impossible lawsuit, might as well do it for the right thing, you know, just for the heck of it.

Further research (outside of Wikipedia) reveals that Jack Ass changed his name 3 years before Jackass aired, sued for ‘defamation of character’, founded Hearts Across America, and was generally a nice guy. He shot himself because he was upset about the lawsuit failing. Oh. Thanks for nothing, Wikipedia.

7. Matrix

Another fun “[citation needed]” name story. (Those are the best, because I don’t have to do any further research and can just make wild assumptions.) All we’re told is poor Matrix is an Estonian kid indeed named after the movie, and his name prompted an Estonian law that prevents further naming of children after “celebrities, misspellings, and cultural references”, as it “might become annoying” for the child when they grow up.

That sounds like the most unenforceable law ever. What constitutes a “misspelling”? A “cultural reference”? Who is the final word on this? It’s not like the kid can speak for himself — it’s the parents’ opinion versus the governments’. Does the Estonian Name Approval Office have an intern that runs the name on IMDB and denies it if there’s a match? Insane.

I don’t know much about Estonia, but maybe they should go easy on the parents. I’m sure The Matrix probably is a couple of rungs above the local Estonian sci-fi serials and the parents just got carried away with themselves.

6 and 5. Break Time

At this point in the article, I’m sure your attention span needs a rest, so here are an assortment of ridiculous real names that speak for themselves:

• Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K
• Baby Hospital
• Depressed Cupboard Cheesecake
• Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence Geldof
• Notwithstanding Griswold

Oh, and the rapper Akon’s real name is Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Locku Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam. Say it out loud. It’s funny.

4. Pilot Inspektor Reisgraf-Lee

This is Jason Lee’s kid. In 2023, among the ruins of a nation torn apart by nuclear zombies, Pilot Inspektor Lee and Rocket Valentin Rodriguez will band together and fight crime.

Oh, they’ll probably team up with Nic Cage’s son Kal-El.

3. Spontaniouse Grant

This is a girl that apparently was on America’s Next Top Model. Man … don’t get me wrong, I generally think Alabama’s an okay place and will even defend the state and its people from the more ignorant and ridiculous stereotypes out there. However, this is just the kind of stuff that reinforces everybody’s perception of the place. Nevertheless, here’s the gist: “Spontaniouse” was apparently named as such because her mother deemed her birth “Spontaneous”, as she was born before they could get to the hosptital.

Now. Nevermind the fact that it’s hard to call any birth spontaneous, as they’re generally preceded by hours of contractions and dilation. For the benefit of the mom, let’s just assume she was driving to the grocery store and little Spontaniouse just popped out at the stoplight. Heck, the events that conspired don’t even matter to me - it’s the vowel misspelling combined with the arbitrary “e” on the end that just screams “touch of class”. I guess if it had been a boy, she would have just dropped the “e.” Sigh.

2. GoldenPalace.com

A lady named Terri Illigan changed her name to GoldenPalace.com for the sum of $15,199.

$15,199 … to change your name? That’s not much cash. You can buy half a nice car with 15 grand, and that’s not even factoring in taxes. GoldenPalace.com sure is tight-fisted with the prize cash.

OH, WAIT. Further research reveals that she auctioned off her name on eBay and GoldenPalace was the winning bidder. That means that this was her idea. I don’t know what to think about that. GoldenPalace inevitably got more than $15,000 worth of publicity for this whole thing, I’m sure. Maybe she should have publicized her auction more. Actually, yeah, now I feel kind of sorry for her.

1. Zachary Zzzzzzzzzra

Behold, the most ridiculous name I could find. Here’s why it’s number 1.

Zachary Zzzzzzzzzra is a painting contractor (formerly Bill Holland) who wanted to be easy to find in the phone book. The great part about it, though, is this slightly misdirected desire was actually contested by other aspiring Z-names in the San Francisco area. Apparently he only managed to be the last name in the book 8 out of 15 years, due to Zelda Zzzwramp and Vladimir Zzzzzzabakov.

Do you realize what this means? Back in the 60’s, there was a hotly contested battle between Z-names! Imagine Zachary’s despair when he found out he was second-to-last behind Vladimir. Apparently, though, he just kept adding Z’s, and eventually outlasted his two daring opponents. How did he eventually win? Did the others move (or pass) away, or could they just not hang with the big Z? Did Vladimir eventually just throw in the towel at six Z’s? (Zelda only made it to three. Amateur.)

And so with that, the article comes to an end. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. Happy Friday.